self-improvement – Personal Growth Cafe

July 17, 2012

UNLOCK YOUR SELF IMPROVEMENT POWER

When we look at a certain object, a painting for example – we won’t be able to appreciate what’s in it, what is painted and what else goes with it if the painting is just an inch away from our face. But if we try to take it a little further, we’ll have a clearer vision of the whole art work.

We reach a point in our life when we are ready for change and a whole bunch of information that will help us unlock our self improvement power. Until then, something can be staring us right under our nose but we don’t see it. The only time we think of unlocking our self improvement power is when everything got worst. Take the frog principle for example –

Try placing Frog A in a pot of boiling water. What happens? He twerps! He jumps off! Why? Because he is not able to tolerate sudden change in his environment – the water’s temperature. Then try Frog B: place him in a luke warm water, then turn the gas stove on. Wait til the water reaches a certain boiling point. Frog B then thinks “Ooh… it’s a bit warm in here”.

People are like Frog B in general. Today, Anna thinks Carl hates her. Tomorrow, Patrick walks up to her and told her he hates her. Anna stays the same and doesn’t mind her what her friends says. The next day, she learned that Kim and John also abhors her. Anna doesn’t realize at once the importance and the need for self improvement until the entire community hates her.

We learn our lessons when we experience pain. We finally see the warning signs and signals when things get rough and tough. When do we realize that we need to change diets? When none of our jeans and shirts would fit us. When do we stop eating candies and chocolates? When all of our teeth has fallen off. When do we realize that we need to stop smoking? When our lungs have gone bad. When do we pray and ask for help? When we realize that we’re gonna die tomorrow.

The only time most of us ever learn about unlocking our self improvement power is when the whole world is crashing and falling apart. We think and feel this way because it is not easy to change. But change becomes more painful when we ignore it.

Change will happen, like it or hate it. At one point or another, we are all going to experience different turning points in our life – and we are all going to eventually unlock our self improvement power not because the world says so, not because our friends are nagging us, but because we realized its for our own good.
Happy people don’t just accept change, they embrace it. Now, you don’t have to feel a tremendous heat before realizing the need for self improvement. Unlocking your self improvement power means unlocking yourself up in the cage of thought that “its just the way I am”. It is such a poor excuse for people who fear and resist change. Most of us program our minds like computers.

Jen repeatedly tells everyone that she doesn’t have the guts to be around groups of people. She heard her mom, her dad, her sister, her teacher tell the same things about her to other people. Over the years, that is what Jen believes. She believes its her story. And what happens? Every time a great crowd would troop over their house, in school, and in the community – she tends to step back, shy away and lock herself up in a room. Jen didn’t only believed in her story, she lived it.

Jen has to realize that she is not what she is in her story. Instead of having her story post around her face for everyone to remember, she has to have the spirit and show people “I am an important person and I should be treated accordingly!”

Self improvement may not be everybody’s favorite word, but if we look at things in a different point of view, we might have greater chances of enjoying the whole process instead of counting the days until we are fully improved. Three sessions in a week at the gym would result to a healthier life, reading books instead of looking at porns will shape up a more profound knowledge, going out with friends and peers will help you take a step back from work and unwind. And just when you are enjoying the whole process of unlocking your self improvement power, you’ll realize that you’re beginning to take things light and become happy.

July 17, 2012

SELF IMPROVEMENT AND SUCCESS

Everything that happens to us happens in purpose. And sometimes, one thing leads to another. Instead of locking yourself up in your cage of fears and crying over past heartaches, embarrassment and failures, treat them as your teachers and they will become your tools in both self improvement and success.

I remember watching Patch Adams – its my favorite movie, actually. Its one great film that will help you improve yourself. Hunter “patch” Adams is a medical student who failed to make it through the board exams. After months of suffering in melancholy, depression and suicidal attempts – he decided to seek for medical attention and voluntarily admitted himself in a psychiatric ward. His months of stay in the hospital led him to meeting different kinds of people. Sick people in that matter. He met a catatonic, a mentally retarded, a schizophrenic and so on. Patch found ways of treating his own ailment and finally realized he has to get back on track. He woke up one morning realizing that after all the failure and pains he has gone through, he still want to become the a doctor. He carries with himself a positive attitude that brought him self improvement and success. He didn’t only improved himself, but also the life of the people around him and the quality of life. Did he succeed? Needless to say, he became the best damn doctor his country has ever known.

So, when does self improvement become synonymous with success? Where do we start? Take these tips, friends…
*Stop thinking and feeling as if you’re a failure, because you’re not. How can others accept you if YOU can’t accept YOU?

*When you see hunks and models on TV, think more on self improvement, not self pitying. Self acceptance is not just about having nice slender legs, or great abs. Concentrate on inner beauty.

*When people feel so down and low about themselves, help them move up. Don’t go down with them. They’ll pull you down further and both of you will end up feeling inferior.

*The world is a large room for lessons, not mistakes. Don’t feel stupid and doomed forever just because you failed on a science quiz. There’s always a next time. Make rooms for self improvement.

*Take things one at a time. You don’t expect black sheep’s to be goody-two-shoes in just a snap of a finger. Self improvement is a one day at a time process.

*Self improvement results to inner stability, personality development and dig this …. SUCCESS. It comes from self confidence, self appreciation and self esteem.

* Set meaningful and achievable goals. Self improvement doesn’t turn you to be the exact replica of Cameron Diaz or Ralph Fiennes. It hopes and aims to result to an improved and better YOU.

*Little things mean BIG to other people. Sometimes, we don’t realize that the little things that we do like a pat on the back, saying “hi” or “hello”, greeting someone “good day” or telling Mr. Smith something like “hey, I love your tie!” are simple things that mean so much to other people. When we’re being appreciative about beautiful things around us and other people, we also become beautiful to them.

*When you’re willing to accept change and go through the process of self improvement, it doesn’t mean that everyone else is. The world is a place where people of different values and attitude hang out. Sometimes, even if you think you and your best friend always like to do the same thing together at the same time, she would most likely decline an invitation for self improvement.

We should always remember that there’s no such thing as ‘over night success’. Its always a wonderful feeling to hold on to the things that you already have now, realizing that those are just one of the things you once wished for. A very nice quote says that “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.” We are all here to learn our lessons. Our parents, school teachers, friends, colleagues, officemates, neighbors… they are our teachers. When we open our doors for self improvement, we increase our chances to head to the road of success.

July 16, 2012

The Powers of a Positive Attitude

I am going to ask you to something very weird right now. First of all, I want you to listen to your thoughts. Now tell me, what thoughts fill your head? Would you label them as positive, or negative?

Now let’s say you are walking down the street with these thoughts. Do you think anyone who would meet you would be able to tell you what’s on your mind?

The answer to number one is up to you. But, the answer number two can be pretty generic. Although people will not be able to tell you exactly what you think, they will more or less have an idea of how you are feeling.

Here’s another question. When you enter a party filled with friends, do they all fall silent as if something terrible had happened? Or does everybody there perk up as if waiting for something exciting to happen?

You know what? The answer to all these depends on your frame of mind.

Thoughts are very powerful. They affect your general attitude. The attitude you carry reflects on your appearance, too – unless, of course, you are a great actor.

And it doesn’t end there. Your attitude can also affect people around you.

The type of attitude you carry depends on you. It can be either positive or negative.

Positive thoughts have a filling effect. They are admittedly invigorating. Plus, the people around the person carrying positive thoughts are usually energized by this type of attitude.

Negative thoughts on the other hand have a sapping effect on other people. Aside from making you look gloomy and sad, negative thoughts can turn a festive gathering into a funeral wake.

A positive attitude attracts people, while a negative attitude repels them. People tend to shy away from those who carry a negative attitude.

We can also define attitude as the way of looking at the world. If you choose to focus on the negative things in the world, more or less you have a negative attitude brewing up. However, if you choose to focus on the positive things, you are more likely carry a positive attitude.

You have much to gain from a very positive attitude. For one, studies have shown that a positive attitude promotes better health. Those with this kind of attitude also have more friends. projecting a positive attitude also helps one to handle stress and problems better than those who have a negative attitude.

A positive attitude begins with a healthy self-image. If you will love the way you are and are satisfied, confident, and self-assured, you also make others are around feel the same way.

A negative attitude, on the other hand, has, of course, an opposite effect. So, carrying a negative attitude has a twofold drawback. You feel bad about yourself, and you make others feel the same way.

If you want to have a positive attitude, you have to feature healthy thoughts. This is probably very hard to do nowadays since, all around us, the media feeds us nothing but negative thoughts. A study shows that for every 14 things a parent says to his or her child, only one is positive. This is truly a saddening thought.

If you want a healthier outlook in life, you need to think happy thoughts, and you have to hear positive things as well. So, what can you do? Well, for starters, you could see a funny movie, you could play with children, spend some time telling jokes with friends. All these activities fill you with positive stimuli, which in turn promotes positive attitude.

Although it is impossible to keep ourselves from the negative things around us, you can still carry a positive attitude by focusing on the good things, the positive things in life.

And this positive attitude you now carry can be of benefit to other people. Sometimes when other people feel down, the thing people mostly do is try to give them advice. But sometimes, all they need is somebody to sit by them, and listen to them. If you have a positive attitude you may be able to cheer them up without even having to say anything.

If positive attitude is really great, why do people choose to adopt a negative attitude instead? One who carries a negative attitude may be actually sending a signal for attention. Before you get me wrong, feeling sad, angry, or gloomy is not wrong itself. But dwelling on these thoughts for far too long is not healthy either. There is a time to mourn.

As always, if you are beset by troubles, even in your darkest hour, focus on the good things in life, you will always have hope. Problems become something you can overcome.

You do not have much to lose by adopting a healthy, positive attitude. Studies show that such an attitude actually retards aging, makes you healthier, helps you develop a better stress coping mechanism, and has a very positive effect on all the people you meet every day. So, what’s not to like about a positive attitude? Adopt one today.

July 16, 2012July 16, 2012

Enjoy Your Life: Change Your Point of View

“Two men look out through the same bars: One sees the mud, and one sees the stars.”- Frederick Langbridge, A Cluster of Quiet Thoughts

If you’ve placed second in a writing contest, will you jump for joy and push for better results the next time or will you be discouraged and find an excuse not to join again?

In life, you are always filled with choices. You may opt to have a pessimist’s view and live a self-defeated life or you may decide to take the optimist’s route and take a challenging and fulfilling life.

So why nurture an optimist’s point of view? And why now?

Well, optimism has been linked to positive mood and good morale; to academic, athletic, military, occupational and political success; to popularity; to good health and even to long life and freedom from trauma.

On the other hand, the rates of depression and pessimism have never been higher. It affects middle-aged adults the same way it hits younger people. The mean age of onset has gone from 30 to 15. It is no longer a middle-aged housewife’s disorder but also a teen-ager’s disorder’ as well.

Here’s how optimists are in action and researches that back up why it really pays to be an optimist:

Optimists expect the best

The defining characteristic of pessimists is that they tend to believe bad events, which will last a long time and undermine everything they do, are their own fault.

The truth is optimists are confronted with the same hard knocks of this world. What differs is the way they explain their misfortune—it’s the opposite way. They tend to believe defeat is just a temporary setback, that its causes are confined to this one case.

Optimists tend to focus on and plan for the ‘problem’ at hand. They use ‘positive reinterpretation.’ In other words, they most likely reinterpret a negative experience in a way that helps them learn and grow. Such people are unfazed by bad situation, they perceive it is a challenge and try harder.

They won’t say “things will never get better,” “If I failed once, it will happen again” and “If I experience misfortune in one part of my life, then it will happen in my whole life.”

Positive expectancies of optimists also predict better reactions during transitions to new environments, sudden tragedies and unlikely turn of events. If they fall, they will stand up. They see opportunities instead of obstacles.

People respond positively to optimists

Optimists are proactive and less dependent on others for their happiness. They find no need to control or manipulate people. They usually draw people towards them. Their optimistic view of the world can be contagious and influence those they are with.

Optimism seems a socially desirable trait in all communities. Those who share optimism are generally accepted while those who spread gloom, panic and hysteria are treated unfavorably.

In life, these people often win elections; get voted most congenial and sought for advice.

When the going gets tough, optimists get tougher

Optimists typically maintain higher levels of subjective well-being during times of stress than do people who are less optimistic. In contrast, pessimists are likely to react to stressful events by denying that they exist or by avoiding dealing with problems. Pessimists are more likely to quit trying when difficulties arise.

They persevere. They just don’t give up easily, they are also known for their patience. Inching their way a step closer to that goal or elusive dream.

Optimists are healthier and live longer

Medical research has justified that simple pleasures and a positive outlook can cause a measurable increase in the body’s ability to fight disease.

Optimists’ health is unusually good. They age well, much freer than most people from the usual physical ills of middle age. And they get to outlive those prone to negative thoughts.

So why not be an optimist today? And think positively towards a more fulfilled life.

Why not look forward to success in all your endeavors? Why not be resilient? Like everybody else you are bound to hit lows sometimes but don’t just stay there. Carry yourself out of the mud and improve your chances of getting back on the right track. And why not inspire others to remove their dark-colored glasses and see life in the bright side?

July 16, 2012

Focus on your mental and emotional side to gain self improvement

Not everyone believes this but the emotional and mental aspects of a person, when combined, leads to better self improvement.

Emotions love to dominate our actions and reactions, even though we do not want it to happen sometimes. The society often see emotions as a sign of weakness, so people are used to putting them aside and focusing on the rational aspects more and more.

No matter how strict and logical you may be, you will always feel. One way or another, someone or something will get through you.

Positive emotions are a lifelong goal for many of us concerned about emotional health and self improvement. What is more important; the amount of money you made during your life or the times you laughed out of sheer joy?

People tend to put their positive emotions behind their negative feelings. This is one of the biggest problems that people come across during their lives.

There is no clear way to ignore a negative experience and try to replace it with a positive one. Life just does not work that way.

For example, when you were a child, if your goldfish dies, you would be heartbroken. Your parents will probably buy you another goldfish but the sorrow is still there.

Things get even more complex when you become an adult. A fight with your spouse the night before will affect your entire day. You will go to work angry, tired, and your mind will wander. On the way home from work you will not notice the sun shining and you would not be tempted to stop at a roadside stand to pick up some fresh fruits and vegetables.

All this because that one negative thought has contaminated the way you perceive the reality around you.

In this moment you will realize finding a safe place to relax your mind will do wonders for your emotional and mental improvement.

That place is relatively easy to find. It can be an actual place or an imaginary location. The best idea is to totally lose yourself in it.

Let us say you have a problem on your mind and it just would not go away. Go bowling. Do not know how? Just give it a shot.

Get caught up in the game. Your mind will drift away from the negative thoughts that dominated your last hours or days and start processing a whole new kind of information.

A safe haven can take many forms. It can be a song, a movie, even a person or animal. The main thing is allow yourself to get completely involved with this new activity.

You might still get flashes of the problem every now and then. Ignore it and get even more absorbed in what you are doing.

When the bowling game, the song, or the movie ends you will abruptly return to reality. You will probably want to retreat back to the safe place. Do not do it.

The safe place exists only as a helping hand, not as a solution to your life’s problems, may it be a small or big. It serves only as an escape route.

You will return from your safe zone with an increased energy level. You will feel better about yourself and gain more confidence. You will see that any issue can be resolved.

This is how a small escape from a harsh reality can increase your emotional and mental health. Try to do this often and you are on your way to better self improvement.

July 15, 2012

“What Really Makes You Tick?” 10 questions you should ask to yourself: a preparation to self-improvement

Be all you can be, but it’s not always in the Army. I often see myself as somewhat contented with my life the way things are, but of course it’s hard to think of anything else when where are real issues to be discussed.

Still I aspire for something deeper and more meaningful.

So we’re all pelted with problems. Honestly it shouldn’t even bother or even hinder us to becoming all we ought to be. Aspirations as kids should continue to live within us, even though it would be short-lived or as long as we could hold on to the dream. They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks… or can they?

1. What do I really want?
The question of the ages. So many things you want to do with your life and so little time to even go about during the day.

Find something that you are good at can help realize that small step towards improvement. Diligence is the key to know that it is worth it.

2. Should I really change?
Today’s generation has taken another level of redefining ‘self’, or at least that’s what the kids are saying. Having an army of teenage nieces and nephews has taught me that there are far worse things that they could have had than acne or maybe even promiscuity. So how does that fit into your lifestyle?

If history has taught us one thing, it’s the life that we have gone through. Try to see if partying Seventies style wouldn’t appeal to the younger generation, but dancing is part of partying. Watch them applaud after showing them how to really dance than break their bones in break-dancing.

3. What’s the bright side in all of this?
With so much is happening around us there seem to be no room for even considering that light at the end of the tunnel. We can still see it as something positive without undergoing so much scrutiny. And if it’s a train at the end of the tunnel, take it for a ride and see what makes the world go round!

4. Am I comfortable with what I’m doing?
There’s always the easy way and the right way when it comes to deciding what goes with which shoes, or purse, shirt and whatnot. It doesn’t take a genius to see yourself as someone unique, or else we’ll all be equally the same in everything we do. Variety brings in very interesting and exciting questions to be experimented.

5. Have I done enough for myself?
Have you, or is there something more you want to do? Discontentment in every aspect can be dangerous in large doses, but in small amounts you’ll be able to see and do stuff you could never imagine doing.

6. Am I happy at where I am today?
It’s an unfair question so let it be an answer! You love being a good and loving mom or dad to your kids, then take it up a notch! Your kids will love you forever. The same goes with everyday life!

7. Am I appealing to the opposite sex?
So maybe I don’t have an answer to that, but that doesn’t mean I can’t try it, though. Whether you shape-up, change the way you wear your clothes or hair, or even your attitude towards people, you should always remember it will always be for your own benefit.

8. How much could I have?
I suppose in this case there is no such things on having things too much or too little, but it’s more on how badly you really need it. I’d like to have lots of money, no denying that, but the question is that how much are you willing to work for it?

9. What motivates me?
What motivates you? It’s an answer you have to find out for yourself. There are so many things that can make everyone happy, but to choose one of the may be the hardest part. It’s not like you can’t have one serving of your favorite food in a buffet and that’s it. Just try it piece by piece.

10. What Really Makes You Tick?
So? What really makes you tick? You can be just about anything you always wanted to be, but to realize that attaining something that may seem very difficult is already giving up before you even start that journey. Always remember, that self-improvement is not just about the physical or philosophical change you have to undergo, but it’s something that you really want.

June 28, 2012July 4, 2012

Spring Into Action

When springtime rolls around, thoughts turn to sunny days, warmer weather, and getting motivated to cross tasks off your list of things to do. As you look around, you see your neighbors power-washing the driveway and sprucing up their homes.

Even your best friend seems to be infused with energy these days; she’s already cleaned out her closets and waxed her car and it’s only April 1st!

You, on the other hand, have a bunch of tasks weighing on your mind. You’re tired of thinking about them. But which one should you do first? And how can you summon the energy that seems called for this season?

These suggestions can help you painlessly gear up for action:

1. Find peace in the garden. If you like to garden, it’s time to explore the changes that fall and winter brought to your planting spaces. If you’re new to gardening, you can look forward to feeling tranquility when you’re raking, planting and weeding.

• Why not start now working in the yard for 30 minutes a day? Gardeningis good for your soul and will lead you to achieve in other areas of your life.

2. Deepen connections with your family. Complete projects together instead of alone.Make time to listen to what your kids and partner want to do now that spring’s here. Focus emotional energy on your family.

• Spending time with your spouse ona project you both want done is a great way to deepen your connection. You’ll also gain momentum to do other tasks.

• Spring is also a lovely time to accomplish something with your kids. You’ll enjoy the opportunity to have somequality time with them as you teach the values of working together on a project.

3. Reach out.Ask for a psychological or physical “push” from a parent or close friend. Maybe your mother loves to do interior painting or your friend is a master at organizing drawers and cabinets.

• Asking for help is an exercise in humility and builds character. There’s no shame in acknowledging that you feel challenged to get motivated. Those you care about would love to help. Embrace the support and love you get from them.

4. Help yourself. Plan each week to complete just one task on your list, no matter how small. You’ll build momentum each week to achieve another goal. Give yourself permission and enough emotional space to take it slowly.You’ll feel like a rock star if you keep a steady pace by finishing one task every week.

5. Reward yourself for progress. As you complete those tasks that have been simmering in the back of your mind, remember to reward yourself for your accomplishments.

• If Mom helped you paint the kitchen, invite her and Dad over next weekend for a family dinner. Spending some family time together is a special way to thank your mom and enjoy the fruits of your labor.

• When you and your spouse spend a day cleaning up the yard or sprucing up the garage, suggest you enjoy an intimate night out the following weekend.

• You’ll be continuously motivated to complete more of those spring tasks when you take the time to recognize and reward yourself for what you’ve accomplished.

Some of us will get more charged up about spring’s arrival than others. Remind yourself that it’s okay to move forward at your own pace. Whether you go after your goals a little bit at a time or all at once, your sense of accomplishment will always be there waiting for you when you spring into action.

June 27, 2012July 4, 2012

Planning an Inspiring Summer

As the seasons change, we tend to reflect on how we’veprogressed the past few months and what we’d like to do now.Would you like to feel motivated to learn new things,do something interesting andaccomplish worthwhile goals? You can use this summer to bring these desires to life!

How will you ignite your passions as the weather heats up?

Explore these ideas for planning your most inspiring summer ever:

1. Take a personal inventory.Think about what you want and need in your life right now. Do you desire closer relationships? Perhaps you want to develop knowledge in a particular subject area. Maybe the one thing you seek most is more adventure in your life. This summer is a good time to try these things out.

• For example, if you’ve been working a lot of overtime, maybe you’ll conclude that what you really need is more quality time with family and some fun in your life. Think about what’s missing emotionally for you right now and promise yourself to include it in your life this summer.

2. Ask yourself, “What do I really want to do?”Make a list of the short-term and long-term goals you wish to accomplish. This is the time for some serious soul-searching. When making your list, decide whether to focus most on your professional or personal life.

• If it’s a personal list, you might include items like, “Keep my cool when dealing with my teenagers” and “Exercisefive times a week.”However, plans such as, “Save for a trip to Italy next year” and “Walk a section of the Appalachian Trail in September” might also appear. Consider this list your short-term bucket list.

• On your professional list, list entries like, “Research topic X” or “Complete a quarterly report on my achievements for the boss.” Also, “Resolve negative feelings toward Jane Doe at work” and “Talk with my manager about taking on Project B” may appear.

• When writing your professional list, keep in mind that your ultimate goals are to ignite deeper interests, resolve troubling issues, and promote your work life this summer.

3. Discuss summer schedules now. For many, becoming inspired will involve other people. Tell your spouse or friends that you’re planning a summer that will be stimulating, motivating and full of accomplishments. Share your intentions. Listen to their ideas.

• If you’ve got a close friend, they might want to jump on board to plan their own inspiring summer along with you and share some of your activities, too.

• Schedule time with people you learn from and admire. After all, getting inspired is a spiritual journey you take with the help of others.

4. Plan a trip this summer.Speaking of journeys, even if it’s only a long weekend, nothing inspires us like seeing brand new sights. When you travel, your mind is removed from the more mundane tasks of everyday life. You’re physically and spiritually transported to a place where everything is new and different.

• Maybe you’ll outline that novel you’ve always wanted to write or create a master financial plan for the next 20 years. Taking a vacation will invigorate your thinking and deepen your interests in new people, places and things.

5. Select three short-term goals to accomplish by summer’s end. Clip them from the list. Stick them on your refrigerator. Place a second copy on your bathroom mirror. Stash them in your car. Gear up to achieve success.

If you take time to assess what you want and how you intend to get there, you’ll experience one of your most inspiring summers ever. Don’t delay! Start today to plan your bestsummer ever.

June 27, 2012July 3, 2012

Inviting Love Into Your Life

There may be times in your life when you just want to be on your own for a while. Maybe you’d like to delve into your work, focus on yourself and enjoy life solo. However, when you return to thoughts of wanting to be in love again, it’s important to be in the proper frame of mind to welcome love back into your life.

Consider these suggestions to ready yourself for love:

1. Let go of old resentments and hurts.You can only be accepting of the warm feelings love brings if you’ve done away with simmering resentments and aching hurts. Otherwise, they’ll keep bubbling up to the surface and “boil away” other positive and health feelings.

2. Open yourself up to new people.If you tend to hang out only with people you already know, now is the time for a change. To invite love in, you’ve got to open the door.When you psychologically open up to new people, you open to love.

• Attend a book discussion group at the library
• Let your neighbor introduce you to his cousin
• Try visiting new cafes, restaurants, and community centers
• Drop in to neighborhood gatherings and parties you wouldn’t normally attend

3. Cultivate a positive body image. When you feel good about how you look and feel physically, you behave more openly toward others. Those feelings of self-assurance will encourage the flow of abundance and love.

4. Love yourself.Loving yourself makes you a more lovable person in the eyes of others. Although it’s admittedly a bit of a cliché, if you expect others to love you, you must first do so yourself. Dig deep to get in touch with all the things you like about yourself.

• Traits you like about yourself might include things such as: your smooth skin, your caring nature, your willingness to help others, or your incredible resolve to improve yourself each day. Find your unique characteristics that bring joy and comfort to you and to others.

5. Know your worth.When you discover everything you love about yourself, you’ll become more aware of your value as a human being. Whether you cherish just one thing about yourself or a hundred, you begin to feel worthy. And when you truly accept your ownvalue, love will find you.

6. Cultivate a peaceful existence.Living a life of serenity and peace will draw people to you. When your days are free from of drama and emotional chaos, you demonstrate that you can handle whatever life sends your way. Seek out activities and strategies that aid you in maintaining a deep sense of serenity and calm.

• Whether youdo yoga, meditation, visualization, positive affirmations, or some other serenity practice, cultivating tranquility will show that you can handle new relationships.

You have the power to welcome love back into your life. When you let go of old hurts, open up to new people, and know your own worth, you’ll be ready and willing to truly enjoy a new relationship. Take the leap and invite love in!

June 25, 2012July 4, 2012

Helping Too Much? 7 Tips to Stop Enabling Others

Have you ever found yourself in a position where you felt you were doing everything you could to help someone yet their negative situation just got worse and worse? If so, it’s possible you were enabling the other person.

You might be enabling whenever you’re trying to help someone, but your actions are, instead, exacerbating the issues.

Sample Scenario

Your friend and co-worker, Sally, has been drinking a little more than usual. Lately, she’s coming in late to work and asking you to cover for her. When the supervisor asks you where Sally is, you say, “She went to Human Resources to ask a question. She should be right back.”

After work, you all go for drinks together. Sally doesn’t have any money so you offer to buy her beverages and she accepts.

Later that evening, Sally admits she hasn’t finished her chapter of a report that’s due tomorrow. Sally asks if you’ll finish her partially completed paper. Although you’re tired and would rather go home and just relax, you agree to take the report home and type it up before tomorrow morning.

Unfortunately, even if you don’t mind offering your consistent aid, your efforts are ensuring that Sally doesn’t have to take responsibility for her actions.

The Solution

What can you do to break the cycle of enabling someone you care about?

Follow these helpful tips:

1. Stop. Even though it’s your friend or loved one, picking up the slack for them is not helping them get better.

2. Instead, just observe. Rather than being so quick to jump in and offer help, sit back and watch what happens. Notice patterns in the person’s behaviors.

3. Listen. Stay informed by hearing how your friend or loved one feels. A good friend listens attentively. Consider listening an important act of caring.

4. Allow opportunity for your loved one to figure things out for themselves. Keep in mind that when you jump in and spontaneously offer your assistance all the time, the individual is robbed of opportunities to learn to resolve their own challenges.

5. Decline any direct requests for help. Recognize that your continued efforts to pick up the slack now are setting up your friend or loved one for a big fall later. Accept that it’s better if it happens sooner – when the situation isn’t so far out of hand – than later.

• Using the example above regarding Sally asking for your help with her report, you could say something like, “Oh, I’m so sorry, but I can’t finish your report. I need to pick up my daughter and do the laundry when I get home.” Then say nothing else.

6. Recognize it’s not your job to fix their troublesome situations. When you decline to help, you’re silently placing the issue back squarely on their shoulders where it belongs. Remember, it’s not your situation; it belongs to them.

7. Disengage emotionally from the person. Once you understand what you’re doing, you’ll be better able to remain on the outside of your friend’s troubling events. Think of your friend and their issues as a tornado. Then, decide to remain outside of the whirlwind.

• You’ll no longer allow yourself to get “sucked in” to your friend or loved one’s current crisis. You can still be their friend or confidante and spend time with them, if you choose. But you’ll avoid being pulled in to the fray of your friend’s ongoing drama.

• When you disengage emotionally, applying all the above strategies is also much easier.

If you believe you’re caught up in the cycle of helping a friend or loved one too much, step back and examine your relationship with the person. Then, apply the strategies above to stop enabling their self-destructive behaviors. As your loved one’s world becomes more overwhelming to them, it will encourage them to seek more direct assistance in resolving their underlying issues.